Coping with serious illness and new situations

Taking risk can be frightening but these tips can help you cope (Photo courtesy of Delaware Hospice)

If you are caring for a relative with serious health problems, you are probably in unfamiliar territory. For most of us, the shaky feelings of uncertainty are very unpleasant. We feel vulnerable outside our comfort zone. We worry we will do something wrong.According to noted researcher Dr. Brené Brown, to protect ourselves we often turn to three strategies.

“The first is perfectionism, believing that if we work hard enough, we can get it right,” Brown said. “The next is future casting, thinking about all the possibilities and things that could go wrong. The third is numbing or pushing our feelings down and aside.”

 Although these strategies might help short circuit the discomfort of vulnerability, Brown warns that they also rob our lives of meaning.

“When we are vulnerable, we are emotionally exposed. This type of openness is frequently the springboard to life’s most meaningful moments,” Brown said. “Changing careers, falling in love. In the context of family caregiving, it might be starting a difficult family conversation or caring for a relative in their last few weeks of life.”

Brown points out that taking risks and navigating terrain that may be outside our comfort level is when we experience growth, courage, joy and improved self-esteem. Brown offered other tips Brown for embracing vulnerability as a family caregiver and getting to a point where you feel comfortable again.

“When you feel shaky inside, pause, take a breath,” Brown said. “Consciously remind yourself that none of us is perfect. You are not alone. We are all worthy. All you can realistically ask of yourself is to show up and do your best. Consider feelings of uncertainty as an opportunity rather than a threat. Think of one step you can take. Something that feels a bit risky but not overwhelming. Maybe ask a question or ask for help. Or allow something to be done “well enough” rather than strive for perfection.”

The last tip Brown offered was to give yourself a pat on the back once fear has been faced.

“Many caregivers, in hindsight, take pride in the ways they had to grow to meet the challenges of caregiving,” Brown said. “It takes courage to be open to change. Let it sink in that you have this capacity. And then take your next risk!”

Caring for someone who is seriously ill can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. As the Delaware, and Delaware and Chester Counties in PA experts in family caregiving, this is very familiar territory for us. We at Delaware Palliative can walk beside you with education and support for those areas that feel daunting. Give us a call at 302-478-5707.